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| Money. Everything works out for the best. I think that throughout my life I have encountered so many difficulties and have always not let them take over my entire existence. Things just tend to fall into place as long as I know what I need to do to prioritize them. I have been recently been inundated with bills and financial liabilities that have strapped me almost to the brink. Yet as I worry and plan, I notice that they are not always so bad. Life does really fall into place as long as I just prepare accordingly. Without the support of close friends and family I do not think I could get past this. They are in my heart and mean so deeply to me.
Tokyo. How could a place that is so exciting seem so boring? Is it because I know that if I leave I will lose everything that is important to me. In the past I would have dropped anyone and anything to progress my career and gain more money/salary. But to what ill-gotten gains do I really receive? I love her. She is the one that makes me want to stay in San Diego. She is the reason why I cannot leave. San Diego was getting old to me, but with her in my life, I am experiencing a side of this world that is so new and invigorating. She fills me with the passion that I thought was lost forever. She brings the adventurous spirit out in me and I thank her for being there for me. As I lay next to her each night I can not help but smile. She is my reason for being here, and forever will I be here with her.
Health. I saw the doctor last week and got my MRI taken. It was such a debilitating experience, something that makes me wonder why I should even try to get better. I should just let nature run its course. There is no cure for my pain. There is no panacea for this affliction. Nobody even cares, this happens to older senior men, not to 2 year old fresh out of college males. I feel like a pariah in an ocean of nonbelievers. All this is costing me the fortune I could be adventuring with. Why do I waste money fighting a battle, when I could just give up and live my life. I have resorted myself to only living for so long. I will fight to live a life I want, not one filled with medicine and tubes and catscans. Its not for me. I am looking forward to the day when I can leave the confines of the hospital and live my real life. I hover around waiting for some young vibrant researcher to find a cure that will never come, while my life is slowly ebbing. I just want each day to be special and without regret. Life is just too short...
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| I need to recollect my thoughts and life a little more. I have been trying to weigh the feelings I feel now and the emotions that still linger lost in this heart of mine. She broke my heart, and she made me cry...like I never cried before. But now I am afraid to be happy. Afraid that being happy again will one day make me breakdown. Is this what I really want to be, someone afraid? Will I ever get over the pangs that haunt my heart and my soul? I do not want to let the faults of my past lover affect the one I am in love with now. Why is life so difficult? Why do I always feel like I am treading on an emotional rollercoaster. I strive to be a stronger man, someone who can withstand the winds like a sail, using the currents as an impetus to move forward. I love the life I am living, I love where my career is going. I love the adventures I have taken and the ones I will take. Like my boss told me, this is the calm before the storm, the sweet sweet calm that will sure to change. Am I the ocean liner, cruising the sea, acclaiming further ahead regardless of the brunt of the storm; or am I a small dinghy with a solitary sail, forever thrashed by the waves and destroyed by the hurricanes. Only time will tell... | | |
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